When sweet potatoes and sour relatives meet for holiday foodfests, it can leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
Before you get together with your family, fill up on strategies to soothe the savage in-law and disarm the drunken uncle.
“You have to set boundaries in advance and not let them give you and everybody a bad time,” says syndicated columnist Amy Alkon, author of the book “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society.”
“Plan the psychological menu, too. Have a conspiracy to have everyone have a good time. … A beautiful warm family dinner is a resource, and these people are stealing from everyone else by behaving badly.”
We asked Alkon and Elaine Swann, aka The Etiquette Lady, for guidance on politely surviving these holiday scenarios.
They passive-aggressively comment on your messy house, poor parenting skills and general failure as a human being.
- Alkon: “When they get mad at you, you have to remember where it’s coming from. They’re mad that you married their son or daughter. You can’t take it personally. You have to enlist your spouse to help you run interference on this … smile and say, ‘Mom, thanks for your tip. Here Mom, have more turkey.’ … Invite ‘buffer’ people. (Relatives) who are obnoxious around the family will not be around strangers. This puts the nasty in-law off their game.”
Uncle Earl wields a piece of poultry and says, “Now, this turkey leg reminds me of Obama’s health-care plan.” In response, Aunt Edna points to her plate and says, “Oh yeah? Well, this cranberry sauce symbolizes the bloodshed in Iraq courtesy of George W. Bush!”
- Alkon: “If you have people you suspect are going to be shouting about politics, actually preface the dinner and say: ‘I just want to let everyone know, we’re going to suspend politics for the day and be at peace. None of this 'Republicans are better than Democrats, or Republicans are Satan.’ ”
Uncle Eugene tipsily waves his glass about and blurts out, “So, what do ya call a Mexican with an earache?”
- Alkon: “If you know alcohol is going to trigger behavioral problems, water down his drinks. If he doesn’t like wine and only drinks beer, don’t have beer in the house. An angry sober guy is easier to deal with than an angry drunk guy. … There’s got to be a designated family member that removes them from the room and helps you.”
- Swann: “Don’t try and take liquor away from anyone in front of a whole group of people. … You want to try and remove that person from the room in the most subtle way possible. Say you need to talk to him about something and maybe you can grab him and move him out of the way. If you are the owner of the house, that’s when you can really put your foot down.”
Cousin Stu shows up with a barely legal new girlfriend in Daisy Dukes and a halter top.
- Alkon: “Honesty is not the best policy. Kindness is the best policy. They’re not going to change their clothes, they’re just going to feel bad. Pretend they’re dressed perfectly. You will look good if you treat them kindly, and it will set the tone for everyone else.”
Your sibs can’t/won’t stop ribbing you about that one Thanksgiving in 1989 when you spilled the entire gravy boat on your pants.
- Swann: “You have to think of other things to do. Go there with a plan. You can put the focus on the kids. Perhaps you could create a skit or a play and bring some dress-up clothes and then they’ll act it out and sing and dance for the family.”
- Alkon: “That’s easy: Seating chart. Be like a very firm kindergarten teacher. Smile and tell them what they’re going to do and where they’re going to sit. … If stuff goes badly during dinner, say, ‘We don’t all get to talk to each other very often, so we’re all going to switch places.’ ”
A family member stares at her plate, muttering, “I don’t like turkey. I don’t eat carbs. You call this stuffing? This gravy is thin.”
- Alkon: “Say, ‘This is what’s being served for dinner; eat it or starve.’ If they have special needs, they needed to eat beforehand. People who bring their own food are rude. ‘Look, here’s my Tupperware container!’ ”
